Their fanciful gaze
Sometimes, when you least expect it, you get ambushed by rush of emotion, nostalgia, and wonderment that defies all reason. It opens the door for you. It takes the seat next to you on the subway. It offers you the cream for your coffee. And then it has you.
It ranks high amongst the oddest sensations one could ever experience. That sense of deja vu is expected when in the presence of similar artifacts or surroundings. It's similar to the reason why some people experience motion sickness while in a car but not while driving. When you're in control and can anticipate the movements up ahead, they don't affect you as much.
The aftermath is just as baffling. It hits you and you end up swimming around in a haze of memory, and then you emerge and it dissipates without a word. They're like those dreams that you know you've had but can't quite remember. All you have to show for it is your emotions. And I am no exception. I wish I had more to expound on, but sadly I am left only with those emotions.
Stepping out of the library and suddenly feeling guilty.
Riding in the passenger seat of someone else's car and suddenly feeling a strange contentment.
Reaching for the salt shaker and suddenly feeling indescribably miserable.
Opening my book bag and suddenly being unable to suppress a goofy smile.
Call it a coincidence. But I find that I'm the most susceptible to these attacks immediately following a yawn. Maybe it's the fact that I'm tired. Who knows? As a related side note, however, I find that any facial expression following a yawn tends to be the most believable to me, and the most sincere.
Recently, every time I listen to music, I catch myself secretly thinking of ways to apply that music to video or pictures. I analyze everything: mood, relevance of lyrics (if applicable), genre, matters of rhythm, length, and timing. Sometimes my reveries progress so rapidly that I soon find myself hallucinating the visuals that I'm trying to evoke. I tell myself that it's the residual effects from making the banquet video, and that after time, this will subside and become nothing more than a fleeting thought. But deep down, I fear that I may have awakened a deep seated desire to create, to inspire.
And this scares me. I'm reminded of something I read a few weeks ago from Atwood. Art, and this includes all manifestations of it, exists as the energy extracted from your soul that you have carefully molded and fostered within yourself. Once you've created it in tangible form, it becomes it's own being, and in it you have lost the two aspects that made it yours. First, control over its genesis and evolution. And second, the very energy that went into its creation. And you yourself become what is left over.
My semester is pretty much over.
My formal AIESEC role is pretty much over.
What do I have to look forward to? Montreal over the New Year, and then classes. But what about after that? How else am I going to keep my life dynamic? And until then, I'm left with this stagnant period where I feel like I can't do anything but reflect on my life and my existence. And I don't know about the rest of you, but generally I find that to be an upsetting and disturbing endeavor.
It ranks high amongst the oddest sensations one could ever experience. That sense of deja vu is expected when in the presence of similar artifacts or surroundings. It's similar to the reason why some people experience motion sickness while in a car but not while driving. When you're in control and can anticipate the movements up ahead, they don't affect you as much.
The aftermath is just as baffling. It hits you and you end up swimming around in a haze of memory, and then you emerge and it dissipates without a word. They're like those dreams that you know you've had but can't quite remember. All you have to show for it is your emotions. And I am no exception. I wish I had more to expound on, but sadly I am left only with those emotions.
Stepping out of the library and suddenly feeling guilty.
Riding in the passenger seat of someone else's car and suddenly feeling a strange contentment.
Reaching for the salt shaker and suddenly feeling indescribably miserable.
Opening my book bag and suddenly being unable to suppress a goofy smile.
Call it a coincidence. But I find that I'm the most susceptible to these attacks immediately following a yawn. Maybe it's the fact that I'm tired. Who knows? As a related side note, however, I find that any facial expression following a yawn tends to be the most believable to me, and the most sincere.
Recently, every time I listen to music, I catch myself secretly thinking of ways to apply that music to video or pictures. I analyze everything: mood, relevance of lyrics (if applicable), genre, matters of rhythm, length, and timing. Sometimes my reveries progress so rapidly that I soon find myself hallucinating the visuals that I'm trying to evoke. I tell myself that it's the residual effects from making the banquet video, and that after time, this will subside and become nothing more than a fleeting thought. But deep down, I fear that I may have awakened a deep seated desire to create, to inspire.
And this scares me. I'm reminded of something I read a few weeks ago from Atwood. Art, and this includes all manifestations of it, exists as the energy extracted from your soul that you have carefully molded and fostered within yourself. Once you've created it in tangible form, it becomes it's own being, and in it you have lost the two aspects that made it yours. First, control over its genesis and evolution. And second, the very energy that went into its creation. And you yourself become what is left over.
My semester is pretty much over.
My formal AIESEC role is pretty much over.
What do I have to look forward to? Montreal over the New Year, and then classes. But what about after that? How else am I going to keep my life dynamic? And until then, I'm left with this stagnant period where I feel like I can't do anything but reflect on my life and my existence. And I don't know about the rest of you, but generally I find that to be an upsetting and disturbing endeavor.
Labels: AIESEC, existentialism, music, NC2008, video
posted by Nate @ 6:04 AM
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