Hint: laziness can explain everything

Some people have it in their heads that I was in the greater New York City area for three weeks based on instant messaging, my twitter shenanigans, and this particular blog entry. Lies and misinformation, all of it.

I was actually in an undisclosed location operating undercover for an undisclosed organization, performing heroic acts of jackassery.

Here I am documenting a recent rash of vandalism thought to be perpetrated by a resident gang of militant Atari enthusiasts:




... and infiltrating a seedy establishment that dispenses warm Bud Lite and Trader Joe's organic tortilla chips to minors:




... and recording the horrid conditions in which respectable pole dancers must practice their noble craft:



And of course, the obligatory jump shot, courtesy of the hotel room I broke into so I could raid its minibar:



I especially enjoy the look that Ted appears to be giving me from within the TV. His demeanor and expression may look blank, but he's really thinking: bitch you crazy.

All in all, I can tell you that my mission was a rousing success. I am awaiting my payment of nipple tassels and Funyuns, and hopefully there will be more work for me in the future.



In other news, an anonymous friend of mine has finally gotten her period after a fun-filled exasperated 8 days. I may possess neither a uterus nor a vagina, but I feel like if you are still a virgin and the closest contact to semen that your cho-cha has had is wading in the shallow end of the municipal pool, you probably don't need to worry about being pregnant.

Oh so completely unsurprised

If there's anything that I've learned about myself, it's the fact that I unconsciously take on the characteristics of whatever I may be aspiring to, seeking, or just plain find important.

Normally, this would be a good thing. But remember, this is me we're talking about, so I fucked it up in at least one aspect. I'll give you one guess as to how.

Ok, time's up. I seem to only do this selectively, with a standard of selection that seems to possess a conscious volition to fuck up my life, or at least to prevent me from gaining any real value.

For example: I love cooking. Result: I am exponentially expanding my culinary repertoire and technique. Unwelcome side effect: I still only cook (as in for real with pots and pans and cutting boards) maybe twice a week, otherwise opting to microwave or bake pre-made offal.

Another example: I'm on the job hunt. Result: I'm discovering what I'm truly good at and what I could enjoy doing for a career, and consequently, I'm expanding those skills on my own outside the classroom. Unwelcome side effect: I'm still applying only for positions because of potential salary and nothing else.

This seems to apply to all aspects of my life. It's only recently that I've noticed that I've taken on some of the mannerisms, quirks, fashions, etc. of the most important people to enter my life. Some of them are still visible to me even years after my last interaction with these people.

And it's a bittersweet curse/blessing with which to be afflicted. Some of these inherited traits are positive... some negative. Some of these things never fail to make me laugh, smile, and think of good times. And some of these things seem to make me cry at the drop of a hat or incite molten rage within my heart.

Either way, it's an indelible way of forcing me to remember these people. I can only wonder if I have had the same effect on them.