Hint: laziness can explain everything

Some people have it in their heads that I was in the greater New York City area for three weeks based on instant messaging, my twitter shenanigans, and this particular blog entry. Lies and misinformation, all of it.

I was actually in an undisclosed location operating undercover for an undisclosed organization, performing heroic acts of jackassery.

Here I am documenting a recent rash of vandalism thought to be perpetrated by a resident gang of militant Atari enthusiasts:




... and infiltrating a seedy establishment that dispenses warm Bud Lite and Trader Joe's organic tortilla chips to minors:




... and recording the horrid conditions in which respectable pole dancers must practice their noble craft:



And of course, the obligatory jump shot, courtesy of the hotel room I broke into so I could raid its minibar:



I especially enjoy the look that Ted appears to be giving me from within the TV. His demeanor and expression may look blank, but he's really thinking: bitch you crazy.

All in all, I can tell you that my mission was a rousing success. I am awaiting my payment of nipple tassels and Funyuns, and hopefully there will be more work for me in the future.



In other news, an anonymous friend of mine has finally gotten her period after a fun-filled exasperated 8 days. I may possess neither a uterus nor a vagina, but I feel like if you are still a virgin and the closest contact to semen that your cho-cha has had is wading in the shallow end of the municipal pool, you probably don't need to worry about being pregnant.