Attention: what products to use

So I'm standing in the check-out aisle at Publix, purchasing my weekly stock of bread, eggs, and assorted snack foods. This couple of about 20-something years of age walks up behind me and begins to unload their groceries onto the conveyor belt; I barely notice them. Nameless woman (heretofore known as Alice) yells at nameless man (heretofore known as Bob) to move his ass, and punches him with the cart until he nearly falls into me, face first. I leap forward, turn around, and give them a look.

Bob looks me dead in the eye and says, "Dude, you smell like a woman."

Alice, still unloading stuff onto the conveyor, doesn't miss a beat and replies "Well you smell like ass, so shut it."

Bob turns around, regards Alice, pauses, and then shrugs, continuing to help her empty the cart, but not before adding, "It's pronounced Axe."

Alice looks up and glares, "Did I freakin' stutter?" She then pushes past Bob and leans in to smell my neck. TO SMELL MY NECK.

She turns back to Bob and snorts, telling him "You must have confused smelling like a woman with smelling clean."

Meanwhile I'm just standing there, trading weirded out looks with the cashier, who has now taken a full minute to ring up my bag of broccoli.

Alice then turns back to me and says, "Sorry hon, I hope you didn't mind me doing that. You smell nice, what do you use?"

I tell her (Dove and Nivea), and she nods approvingly. She spins on her heel, and repeats what I told her to Bob, and barks at him to go pick up some for himself. He looks at her incredulously, to which she responds:

"DO IT OR I'M NEVER FUCKING YOU AGAIN!"

The cashier explodes into laughter and shrieks "I hurrrd that!".

Bob slinks off to find his assignment, and Alice turns back to me and says "I should have known. Any product with a V in the name must be good. And goddammit, that Axe junk was riding my last nerve."

I could only nod, and walk out of the store.


All in a day's work.